Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
