alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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