I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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