Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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