I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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