that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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