the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
