I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
