He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
