She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
