The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
