Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
