I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
