just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
