If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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