she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
