i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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