You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
