I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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