He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
