Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
