Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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