Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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