she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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