I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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