Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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