I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
