Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
