i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
