I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
