I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
