I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
