I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
