We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
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I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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