Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my being single is dangerous.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
