it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
