Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
