Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
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Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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