I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
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