I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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