I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
