I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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