Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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