i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I love you. Go after that dick
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
