What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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