I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
