every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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