I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
