My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
