I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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