coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
