my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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