How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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