You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
