please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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