I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
