Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
